Church Girl Woes

I’m a 21 year old virgin. For some background, my fiance and I met in the same church our families have been members at our whole lives. He is a great man who is very loving, kind and affectionate. We had our first huge fight after a discussion about our sexual history one night.

Even though I never had sexual intercourse, I admitted to giving oral to two guys I dated in high school and college. He instantly got upset and tried to tell me I wasn’t the pure girl he thought he knew. I told him he was being a hypocrite because he has went down on me multiple times and I even gave him hand jobs. He’s threatening to call off our wedding and says he’s disgusted with me. We had planned on going to the free marriage counseling offered by our pastor anyway. Is this something we should bring up in counseling with our pastor?

10 Comments

  1. Immm definitely bring it up in counseling. You are seeking marriage counseling so that these issues you’re having before your union don’t also become an issue during your union. If you think you’re embarrassed to share this with your pastor now imagine how embarrassing it’s going to be if you get divorced. Address the issues head on

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  2. First let me say congrats on making it to 21 cuz whew Chile! Rule #1, never tell a man how many men you’ve actually been with. I don’t care how open and honest you’re trying to be, don’t do it. Unless of course in your case you’ve never had intercourse. I can honestly see why he is upset. No man wants to envision their lady giving a blow job to another man. I think If you were not a virgin, he would have been less upset because that’s pretty much a given in a sexual relationship, but since you are, he held you to a different standard (which he still should). However, he shouldn’t ask questions to things he really does not want an answer to. I hope you don’t feel bad about your choices because you’ve done nothing wrong. There’s nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality ( to an extent lol). Is he really that kind and affectionate if he’s using your past to mentally break you down instead of building you up? Hmmm? Anywho, counseling is great, I just don’t think that subject should be brought up to the church pastor, especially since you grew up in that church. Church pastors do not need to know all of your past and current sexual endeavors. Next thing you know he’s looking at your mom like, mmm do you know what your daughter’s been doing, so no. I say find a certified counselor to speak with about that subject. They’ll be less biased and will help you two see one another’s point of view.

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    1. I read the information. Was little disappointed with the guy because whatever you have done was in the past and your forgiven by God through repentance. The same for him too. But to be mad and hold this over your head isnt right and only through Christ you can be pure or cleansed. As far as bringing it up in your marriage counseling it depends on the trust of your pastor because some pastor use info against whether past or present. Start treating you differently etc. So i feel this could be worked out between you two. If he would just open his heart and listen rather than be condemning. But its good to know where is stands before you get married etc. Rather than get married and be dealing with trust issues etc. The past is the past is the past. Forgive and move on. Love covers a multitude of fault(sin). So if its true love then he should forgive and trust God and let it go.

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  3. I find it real funny how it’s ok for y’all to engage in sexual acts and then consider yourselves virgins but that’s neither here nor there. You should have kept that piece of your past to yourself even though I know that doesn’t help you now. As far as discussing this with your pastor, I personally don’t agree with the sexual idealism indoctrinated in the Christian church. These idealism tend to favor the men and expect women to suppress their sexuality which is probably the reason your fiancé feels so “disgusted”. For that reason, your pastor may not be the right person to discuss this with either. I would recommend non-religious counseling.

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  4. Bring it up in counseling and if he can’t get passed it, on to the next! You’re too young to be made feel like you’re a whore or “unpure”….. is his dick holier than the rest?

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  5. I am not sure why you even mentioned it and if you felt it was a must then it should of been discussed way before this close to marriage. Also, his judging you is not unconditional love as the “church” says is a must. Also, please do not tell your pastor, although he offers counseling, the nature of what you would need to discuss is not for someone who is always going to see you at the church and he most likely will be just as judgemental.

    There is nothing wrong with what you did and do not let anyone make you feel bad about your self. I also have a question: How in love do you actually feel about this man because you mentioned that he is loving but did not say you were madly in love. I hope that you are not going through with the marriage to appease church and family.

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  6. Greetings,

    First, sorry to hear about your unfortunate situation. My suggestion is a two part one:

    1. Do not involve your pastor, or any other human for that matter. This is something that should be handled in house.

    2. A man that is not “pure” should never condemn a woman(or any human) for not being so. The hypocrisy is astonishing.

    Seems to me, buddy is finding an easy way out. Tread accordingly.

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  7. I get why he is upset, if you’ve presented yourself in a certain light. That said, if after time he is still tripping, bounce. A lot of men would be happy to have a virgin and would still consider you worthy. And unless thats a down to earth, real preacher, do not tell him.

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